its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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