So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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