He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
