So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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