Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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