Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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