that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
