The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
