as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
