i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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