we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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