my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
