In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
