grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
