Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
