Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
