Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
