i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
