i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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