Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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