Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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