sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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