And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
