Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
