i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
