Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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