I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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