I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
