Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
