Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
