Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
