I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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