I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
