I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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