Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
