I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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