oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
