i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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