You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
