im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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