there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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