i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
