i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
