haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
