Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
