Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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