I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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