i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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