i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
