dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
